I don’t think we will ever witness the first snowfall of the year together or that I’ll run back to you the way I did when I first left. Somehow, I think I knew this when I decided to pursue other things more than you. I knew time would change me somehow. Without you, I could learn to see my own value without having to measure myself against the standards you had set for yourself.
I knew they were superficial, that sooner or later you would realize this. But I couldn’t wait around for that to happen. It wasn’t to say that I was unhappy with you – on the contrary, I was at my happiest. But somewhere inside me, felt a creeping insecurity. I never doubted that you loved me – the kind of love one finds only in the strengthened bond of friendship. But night after night, as we cruised on empty roads, I would often be left confused. Was there ever something more? We kept on tiptoeing along the fine lines- saying something, taking it back, downplaying.
I had been happy living in the question – it didn’t matter when we were together. But now, every time I looked back I would wonder- had I been born a different race, would you have pursued this, us?
Maybe I’m blaming race.
That’s the kind of questions one struggles with when one is born a darker shade.