I haven’t been feeling well lately. One day, I woke up with a migraine, and on another day I had a sudden stomach cramp at work. The kind where you start having cold sweats and there’s a sharp pain in your stomach. It felt like the onset of diharrea. Anyway, the cute guy at work walked up to and asked me if I was working alone and all I could do was pretend I wasn’t in pain or wanting to run to the bathroom. I looked at my watch and told him “right now, yes.” Then he mumbled something and walked away. My coworker arrived soon and I just thanked her as she wondered why I was sweating. “Thank God you’re here! I’m running to the bathroom!” Hahahaha. When I got back, I went to the backroom to sit and rest because my stomach still felt pain. My other coworker found out when they got in and had already googled treatment. The two were the sweetest, so I walked off the floor and bought pills at the drug store and had a warm cup of lavender chai latte. I shouldn’t have drank anything with dairy in it but it turned out to calm my stomach too. I didn’t pop the pills until much later, when I got to the back room because it was pretty embarrassing to take out a box of imodium.
It’s been two weeks since I felt this type of exhaustion and irritability. My sister has been telling me how grouchy I am. Even the slightest things put me off balance. My anxiety tolerance has lowered and I easily get agitated. But I’m so much aware as these fluctuations in my emotional and mental state happen. I think about the previous years and how I was enslaved by these emotions. No wonder I tried to live my life as cautiously as possible, only sticking to things I knew. It was hard not to get swept away by other people’s demands if I felt weak. If I didn’t protect myself from other people’s energy, I’d be pushed over, tossed around back and forth.
Recently I’ve felt feelings of rage arise. Rage over the fact that people feel entitled to demand why I don’t respond as readily. Or, why I hide away. I remember how my friends have always accepted this as part of me. “Astrid’s love language is ‘leave me alone.'” I like my space, and the more someone infringes on my space, the more I resent them. Specially when I’ve verbally explained that’s how I am. That’s also my love language, the more I give you space, it means I value you as your own person and I want you to enjoy that time to yourself. It’s made me realize that there are people in the world who panic the moment you don’t give them attention. Must be why I got the monicker “ice queen” from an ex.