Exams – I took an exam last weekend. Whether I pass or not doesn’t matter because if I fail, I’ll try again. But of course, it’s best to be prepared. I am trying not to hinge all my hopes and dreams into one basket. Something I have been guilty of doing for very long and have only learned quite recently not to. We’re guilty of placing all our projected desires into one object and expecting it to fulfill all our needs, may that be a partner, a job, a friend, or a gemstone bracelet with amazonite, tree agate and sodalite to ward off all misfortunes.
A poet whom I enjoy following on twitter posted this tweet:
“Try to focus on what could happen in your life, not on some idea of what should happen. “Should” is heavy with obligations and expectations while “could” is light and nimble with possibility. Lean always toward lightness. Keep moving.”
2. Rejections – A friend once remarked that 2019 was my year. Things were going well for me at the beginning and I expected everything to go according to plan. Oof! What a blow. I never learn my lesson, where did I even get the entitlement to expect that nothing would go wrong? I even branded my year as “What Astrid Wants, Astrid Gets.” Hah. Hahaha. Hahahahownaive.
3. On Friendships and Gagos – Lately I’ve made peace with the fact that some friendships cannot be rekindled the way it was before.
I’ve fully accepted how much of a gago a once treasured friend is. And when I say someone’s an asshole, that says a lot because I’m known to my friends as the most tolerant, patient person who always tries to see the good in people (can you believe?)
I’m okay with not having gago in my life at all, he’s been out of it for a couple of years anyway until recently. While the memories were honey warm, I have no want for him in my present life. I definitely don’t need him but my choice to keep people in my life isn’t based on needs, it’s based on want. His presence or absence wouldn’t make a difference.
4. Therapy – I’ve been going to counselling sessions. I can’t say much. All I can say is that I’ve gone past the grieving process and now I don’t feel hurt or stressed. There’s a concept of the anti-fragile, where basically you just become numb after getting hurt over and over again. I think I’m there. Or I really just hope I haven’t gone crazy without knowing it. But really, there’s a phrase that says things don’t get better, you do. I’m working on the lies I continually tell myself, beliefs so insidiously and deeply ingrained in my mind by repetitive small traumas (including this very recent one) that has kept me from my full potential. My counsellor and friends always tell me I’m so promising. I think I’m starting to see it now.
5. Resilience -Maybe because of all the accumulated failures, I’ve become stronger without realizing it. I’ve been crazy obsessing about the word “resilience” and how I didn’t feel like I had the grit for it. Grit sounds so rough and hard that I could not associate it with myself- a type b, softy crybaby, takes frequent breaks, cries and isolates herself a lot. But now I see how resilience takes many forms.
5. An Obsession With Scams– “The world is a scam. Everything’s a scam.” My number one muttered phrase this season. Some days I have these thoughts floating about the whole fakery of it all. People flexing online or offline, brands selling themselves as luxury or artisanal, influencers normalizing luxury and making a spectacle out of private moments, workers obsessed with self-promotion. etc. etc. Some people can’t be saved from themselves and maybe they’ll forever be a scam. Maybe that’s all the same people. Or the same kinds of people. Scams.
6. Retail – I took on a seasonal job in a high end department store to augment the income I earn part-time. It’s been 3 years since I’ve had a retail job and I realized I knew a lot of things before. Cash systems, operations, how to talk to customers. It all feels new to me again but I enjoy it. The people in my team are kind, there is a light atmosphere. One early morning as I walked in to work, my charming co-worker said “Why good morning, darling” in a Scottish accent. I wasn’t feeling the best that day but it felt like a warm blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, as if I had just woken up and walked downstairs at the breakfast table, and there was dad. I say dad in a wholesome way okay. Like, father. Anyway, after experiencing unfair practices at my corporate job, this felt so refreshing.
7. A Podcast – If you find it frustrating for me to be writing without specifics, I actually sprinkle in details of my own personal life on a Podcast my co-host and I have been secretly working on and just recently launched. In Dear Late Bloomers we talk a lot about Philippine pop culture, showbiz news, unpopular opinions etc. etc. We’re working on streamlining our process and doing better with each additional episode, meanwhile, listen in on our chika and enjoy!