Cake for Sanity

There’s dramatic music playing while I’m eating an Earl Grey Cheesecake. The crumbling of the crust inside my tongue feels like the slow crumbling of my mental fortitude as I try to breathe and calm myself.

Yesterday was promising. Yesterday I sent in applications for *something*. Today they came back with setbacks.

It’s okay, I tell myself. One is just an administrative mistake, an easy fix. The other isn’t a definite “No”. I could find out with a phonecall. A phonecall that will take me more than two hours just to get to overcome the anxiety of what to say.

But what if it’s a definite No? How will I manage? What will I do? My mind races for solutions but I don’t want to go into panic mode. So I ask myself, what’s so bad about not getting it NOW? Then I can do something else, explore other things I’ve been wanting to do. Then I can do things slowly instead of full throttle. Does my value diminish just because I can’t be somewhere I’ve aimed for? No.

I’m enough and I know I can make do. I also know that I won’t feel bad anymore or feel left out. I’ll figure my own way of doing things.

It’s better now. I’m better now.

A few years ago I would have crumbled on the floor crying uncontrollably for two straight hours. I’m amazed how I can now hold myself together and not think it’s the end of the world. Wow, It’s a wonder how I thought of every rejection as a failure and how that fatalism killed my self-esteem. Ahh, life is painful and sweet.

Posted for reference.

We’ve come a long way.

And onwards we go.



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