There’s dramatic music playing while I’m eating an Earl Grey Cheesecake. The crumbling of the crust inside my tongue feels like the slow crumbling of my mental fortitude as I try to breathe and calm myself.
Yesterday was promising. Yesterday I sent in applications for *something*. Today they came back with setbacks.
It’s okay, I tell myself. One is just an administrative mistake, an easy fix. The other isn’t a definite “No”. I could find out with a phonecall. A phonecall that will take me more than two hours just to get to overcome the anxiety of what to say.
But what if it’s a definite No? How will I manage? What will I do? My mind races for solutions but I don’t want to go into panic mode. So I ask myself, what’s so bad about not getting it NOW? Then I can do something else, explore other things I’ve been wanting to do. Then I can do things slowly instead of full throttle. Does my value diminish just because I can’t be somewhere I’ve aimed for? No.
I’m enough and I know I can make do. I also know that I won’t feel bad anymore or feel left out. I’ll figure my own way of doing things.
It’s better now. I’m better now.
A few years ago I would have crumbled on the floor crying uncontrollably for two straight hours. I’m amazed how I can now hold myself together and not think it’s the end of the world. Wow, It’s a wonder how I thought of every rejection as a failure and how that fatalism killed my self-esteem. Ahh, life is painful and sweet.
Posted for reference.
We’ve come a long way.
And onwards we go.